My first Christmas without my father has passed.  In a couple of weeks, it will be the first time his birthday arrives without him.  He would have been 65 this January.

Actually, it was the first Christmas without my father and my grandmother, and only the second without my grandfather.

At Thanksgiving, my mother remarked that we’d be done with the firsts by about October of next year. As if to say, if we can get through this first year after, things will be better.

I’m not sure that’s totally true.  Will I ever not miss him on Christmas? Will January 9th ever be the same for me? It might get a little easier, but not necessarily better.

Clean slate

I have that feeling again, though. That feeling that I desperately, desperately want to change my life. I want to be different. Better. I think my therapist would ask me what’s wrong with me right now. Not good enough, my inner critic says. Never good enough.

Yesterday I made a long list of things I want to change, things I want to do more of or less of.

• 20 minutes of intentional movement every day
• an hour a day of focused attention on Devyn
• walk the dog more
• create more daily rituals
• organize my closets
• donate, donate, donate — get rid of STUFF (I always have this urge after Christmas)
• yoga practice
• meditation practice
• organize my finances
• invest
• be more loving
• be more thrifty
• get outside
• embrace the seasons
• ask for help
• stop gossiping

The list goes on. That’s just some of them.

I’m not sure what good it does to make these lists. Science tells us that 88% of people will make a New Year’s resolution, and only about 8% will keep it.