Why are we so obsessed with numbers?

I don’t really even like numbers that much. I’ve never been good at math. And yet they seem to rule this part of my life.

Calories. Fat grams. Points. Pounds. Ounces. Cups. Tablespoons.

Losing weight is a numbers game.

Last week at my session, I told my therapist I was going to go buy some bigger pants, because squeezing into my current ones — fresh from the dryer, especially — was an exercise in self loathing.

So today I went jeans shopping.

I ended up with two pairs two sizes bigger than the ones I wore to the store.

And yet, they don’t fit that much differently than the ones I was wearing. Have the ones I have stretched out with wear, and that’s why they seem similar? The in-between ones (at least, the brands I picked up) seemed too small, but the ones two sizes up seemed… Strange. A little baggy?  A little less form fitting?

I realized I have no idea how jeans are supposed to fit. Especially skinny jeans.

And why is it that places say that a size 32 is the same as a size 12, yet I have NEVER in my life fit into a size 32 — even when I was a US size 8??

It’s all numbers. Some brands have vanity sizing to make you feel better about yourself.

Once, a couple of years ago, I read that Tyra Banks weighed 164 pounds. And I at the time, weighed 164 pounds! I WAS THE SAME AS TYRA BANKS!!!! (Let’s ignore the fact that she’s probably two feet taller than me.)

It made me feel good about myself. But why?

Just recently, my very trim — and very tall — friend lamented that she couldn’t shake her 5 pounds of winter weight, making her 175.

I weighed 175 at the time! And yet, it didn’t make me feel better, because she was talking about how fat she felt at that weight.

Let me just explain to you that she’d have to strap a pillow to her midsection to look fat.

And so realizing that she felt fat the way she looked made me wonder, “What must she think of me?!”

I didn’t ask.

Today I weighed 0.8 pounds more than the last time I stepped on the scale — despite going to the gym four times last week and exercising for an average of 40 minutes each time. I ate 1/2 of a Panera carrot cake cupcake today, which was 9 points, and two slices of pizza, which were 15.

But I earned 18 Weight Watchers activity points last week, when my weekly average is usually closer to 5. I only ate half of that cupcake, and I only ate two slices of pizza, when I usually can easily put away 4.

And I had the guts to not only try on, but buy pants that don’t feel like they’re going to squeeze me in half or give me a muffin top that makes me want to cry.

Two steps forward? One step back?

Who the hell knows.