I haven’t posted here in a while because I thought I was doing OK.
I certainly wasn’t losing weight, but I wasn’t bingeing either.
I decided that maybe it was enough just to try to be normal for a while.
I think normal isn’t cutting it.
Because, here’s the thing I’ve realized: normal isn’t normal.
Here is some bullshit I believe about “normal”:
- “Normal” people eat pizza and ice cream and burgers and fries and junk food.
- “Normal” people do all that and stay skinny.
- “Normal” people don’t have to give up food groups to be healthy or thin.
- “Normal” people just move during their normal day, and maybe go hiking on the weekend or go to the gym a few times a week to stay fit.
Here’s the truth:
- Normal people — as in average Americans — do eat all that crap. And the average American is fat.
- The only person I know who can eat crap like that and stay skinny is my sister; and to be perfectly honest she eats tiny portions, is an incredibly picky eater, and has a thyroid problem.
- People who are thin mostly don’t eat like that. They probably do avoid certain food groups.
- And many people who are model/actor thin work out like crazy people all the time.
What brought all this on? I ate half a bag of marshmallows today for no reason. That in and of itself isn’t terrible, but yesterday I ate seven gluten-free chocolate chip cookies in one sitting — before going to a wine and cheese bar for dinner with my husband. And the day before that… Well, I don’t remember, but it hasn’t been a good week, OK?
And I was so pissed off at myself about those damned marshmallows. I got up and took the dog on a three mile walk, and I asked myself what I thought my therapist would have asked me: “What does it say about you that you can’t give up junk food and sugar?”
It says I’m not in control. I’m a weak person. I’m a stupid person who makes poor choices even when she knows better.
And I asked myself: “What does it say about you if you give up some foods or go Paleo or whatever?”
It says I’m not in control — I have to choose a restrictive diet because I can’t control myself around food. It says I’m not a foodie. It says I’m vain because I’m always dieting.
(And even saying those things out loud says to me that my brain is a pretty scary place to live.)
Anyway, I thought about it a lot, and I thought about doing another Whole30, and then I thought that was probably an overreaction to feeling crappy about my decisions. And then I thought about it some more.
I’ve been reveling in the idea that I can eat whatever I want. But I’m not happy with the results that gets me for my health.
So now I’m going to eat Paleo. Most of the time. I’m going to make a few exceptions when it feels important, and I’m not going to beat myself up about it. I’m going to figure out how to make healthy my new normal.
Because “normal” just wasn’t cutting it.